Of Toothpaste and Insurance Brokers
by advancedfish
Summary: Bleach, now mixed with Colgate! Whitens 100% more efficiently! Discontinued from lack of sugar rush.


**Of Toothpaste and Insurance Brokers**

**Summary: Bleach, now mixed with Colgate! Whitens 100 more efficently! **

**Rating: K+**

**I do not own Bleach or Colgate. I hear they both whiten stuff, though.**

**Warning: This is what happens when you mind runs on pure sugar all night. Also, don't actually mix bleach and Colgate. Of course, you wouldn't try...right?**

At exactly 12:00 PM one fateful day (Mayuri remembered the exact time because he was conducting a 'high-stakes' experiment at the time), a hell butterfly fluttered its way into every captains' busy schedule.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi remembered those annoying messengers—why, he was the one who programmed then to speak in the stupid, dramatic, deep intonation! He was forced to, actually, at the behest of Urahara Kisuke. Kisuke was always a sucker for the theater, and Mayuri had promised to work under him.

The hell butterfly now spoke in the cliché voice: "All captains kindly report to the Meeting Room at once. There was been a ryoka invasion, with a party of five ryoka. I repeat, assemble immediately."

The deranged scientist felt a familiar thrill throughout his nervous system, which was, no doubt, a response to the stimuli that came in the form of ryoka. Making some shunpo-quick mental calculations, he determined that the probability that this invasion would be as eventful as the last was a high percentage. Of course, he had considered the spiritual pressure of those earthly inhabitants as well.

Interest piqued, the captain called, "Nemu! I'm off to the meeting!" After the customary "Yes, Mayuri-sama," he shunpo'd off to the meeting.

In the spacious room, the 12 captains stood, as well as the five ryoka, who were shaking from head to toe, and in white hakamas.

"Well, taichous," Yamamoto said, after surveying them with a closed eye, "it has come to my attention that these five ryoka," here, all eyes turned to the men, "have found their way into Seireitei. I have called an assembly to discuss our course of action."

"Perhaps they are part of the thrice-cursed Aizen's group," a furry captain spoke up, "They have white hakamas."

A captain coughed.

"I believe those are called suits in the earthly world," came the voice of Kuchiki Byakuya.

"Um…"

All heads turned, all eyes (or eye, if you were Kenpachi) riveted on the man who had spoken.

"We're from the Colgate Dental Care Company."

--

"Please…what is your name?" Yamamoto asked.

"I'm Paul. I used to work at an insurance company. But I thought that screwing toothpaste caps on tubes of toothpaste paid better. So I quit being an insurance broker, and started working at Colgate. I rose up the corporate ladder, and now I work on commercials."

"Well, Paul, why have you come to Seireitei? And how did you get in?"

"Illegal immigration," Paul shrugged, "and I came because I want…ah…Mayuree Korutchcee for our next commercial...we have to interview him first, but he might win, since he's our only candidate."

"You mean Mayuri Kurotsuchi, 12th Division Captain?" Mayuri spoke up.

"Oh, is that what it said? I dunno. If you've got white teeth, then, yeah, I guess...you him?"

"Yes, I am Mayuri, and I'd like to tell you right now…"

"You're happy to be on TV, yeah, gotcha," Paul said in a bored voice.

"No. I decline."

"What?" Paul instantly jolted to life. "But…if you decline, then I'll lose my job! Then I'll fall down the corporate ladder, all the way back to screwing on toothpaste caps!!"

"I refuse."

"Alright, jeez, fine. Anyone got white teeth?" Paul called out. The rest of his fellows were unconscious on the floor, having collapsed under sheer spiritual pressure.

No one stepped up.

"Okay, find, look, Mayuri, you're a scientist, right? Since no one's got white teeth here, they obviously need white teeth. You obviously need to make a new discovery today, so I'll give you Colgate to analyze. How's that?" Paul said, a sudden flash of intelligence lighting up his features.

"Not— " Mayuri was cut off.

"Okay, fine! I'll give you the best deal we've got! Buy none, get two free! White teeth and no plaque for 24 hours!"

"No."

The other captains glared at Mayuri.

"What?" Mayuri shrugged, "I don't want any Cold Gate or what ever this may be. I'm almost done developing an anti-pest formula, and it works on all species."

"Until you have done so," Yamamoto said commandingly, "please accept this Paul's offer. We are all rather busy without having to deal with a ryoka."

"…Fine."

--

**Reviews, please?**


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